Overwhelming Sadness

I don't make it over to the blog much. I guess it really only comes to mind when I am hurting and need to find an outlet for my pain. I sometimes rely on going to friends to unleash that pain but I don't want to burn any bridges that way. If I don't find an outlet though, it's going to seep out anyway and in the most uncomfortable ways. It already has.

I lost my best friend this month. It wasn't to death but bad communication and a bit of selfishness. As I write this, I wonder if it really was as good of a friendship as I thought it was since it ended so abruptly.  I have never claimed to be a good friend. I try but I never really learned how to foster friendships and I even told this friend that one time. She was very thoughtful and kind though and would tell me that I was a good friend. My parents were ultra protective of me as a child and I wasn't allowed to spend time with friends outside of school very much so I never learned all of the normal social skills that kids learn along the way. I try to watch others and see how they interact and I am trying to learn as an adult but maybe it's too late for me. I don't know. I think I pretty much suck at it.

I have been under a lot of stress lately. I changed locations at work and I am trying to get a promotion. The anxiety has been building in me and when this happens, everything else seems to always seem magnified in my mind.  I have been focusing way too much on how overwhelming things seem. I work full time, have a house to take care of, yards to maintain, animals and just the financial burden of doing it all alone. Then I remind myself that others do this on a daily basis by themselves and I need to suck it up and quit being a big baby. I also just generally have not been feeling good because I am not taking care of myself.  It just is a lot to do alone sometimes. I digress though.  My friend has also been under a lot of stress and anxiety. It was becoming almost obsessive in every conversation we had. At least it felt that way to me. It could be because of my anxiety that it seemed magnified.  I didn't necessarily feel like I could tell her what I have been feeling and I didn't feel I was in any shape to know how to handle her issues so I backed off. This probably wasn't a great idea but I thought I was self preserving. I hurt her by backing off. She didn't understand why and I didn't know how to explain it. I just didn't want to argue or be hurtful. She called me out on it and I finally had to say that I couldn't handle her and didn't want to contribute to her troubles.  I think she misunderstood me and maybe I haven't been understanding her but we ended up getting defensive with each other, I called her a victim and she told me how mean and hurtful I am. She then said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. It was over that fast. This all also happened on Facebook messenger while I was at work.  It broke my heart. This woman has told me over the past year that she loves me, I'm an honorary member of her family and I am like a sister to her. I believed all of that.  I really felt it too. She is so loving and thoughtful to have included me in so many family events. She was so thoughtful of my parents when they were going through things and she just showed so much love.  It all ended in a span of about 15 minutes.  I just don't get it.   We had started a book club together and since it was made up of her friends, I pulled out of it. They met last night and I see pictures on Facebook of them all taking a group picture together. It hurts to be left out completely. Life really does go on so easily without me being a part of it. I know I am in a pity party right now. I need to pull myself out of it but I am drowning in it for a bit.

My original book club that I have been a member of for 3 years met Friday night at my house. This is such a wonderful group of woman. I just love each and every one of them so much.  I ended up bringing up my problem with this friend that night and just starting bawling and couldn't stop. I felt like I ruined a wonderful evening but it was just welling up inside of me. I hate that I let it interfere with what brings me joy. This group of women always bring me joy. We have found such a level of comfortableness with each other and we all truly care about each other. If any of these woman needed me, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. I don't know that I ever really know how to convey it to them though. I know they would be there for me too but I don't want to be a burden or say something wrong. I guess seeing how quickly friendships can end has me on edge. That isn't fair to them though because I know they aren't fickle. I think they are deep, beautiful women with hearts of gold. I just keep people at arms length to protect myself and then sit at home alone and feeling lonely. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and be more free spirited. I need to loosen up and take chances in life. I want closer friends. I want so much that I don't have. I'm greedy. I need to count all the blessings that I have and learn to be content with what I have.