Time for more introspection or just clearing my mind I guess. I find that I dwell too much on what is not going the right way in my life rather than on my blessings that I do have. I got to thinking today that things aren't so bad right now. I have been trudging along and realized that things are ok. Sure, I have some unhappiness that always sits in the back of my mind but I have been blessed with some wonderful friends who have made me focus on love and laughter rather than loneliness and despair.
I was never very good at making friends. I still don't think I'm too great at fostering friendships. I led a very sheltered life with overprotective parents who didn't allow me out of their sight very much. I didn't go to friends houses much, nor had them over. I can only remember spending the night at a friends house once as a little girl. I understand why my parents were protective like they were but I feel that it stunted my emotional growth in a way. I don't blame them though because I know their heart was in the right place. As an adult, I continued to flounder in the friendship area. I always found it easier to talk to people who are older than me and it's easier for me to talk to women than it is for men. Needless to say, I didn't date much. When I met my ex-husband, I didn't have very many friends and the ones that I did, I put on the back burner. Yes, I was one of those girls who dropped friends to focus on my man. I didn't realize at the time how important girlfriends are in a person's life.
After the divorce, I was really alone. I stayed that way for several years and finally decided that I was the maker of my own destiny, so to speak, and only I could change my future. Thanks to Facebook, I got reacquainted with some old friends and made new friends as well. As I began to socialize a little more, I became more comfortable with meeting new people. Over the last 3 years, I have now immersed myself in book clubs, bible study and am not as fearful to talk to new people. I guess my self esteem has grown. It's not great, but it is better. I have days where I feel empowered and loved now and that is the greatest feeling in the world. I love this feeling and want to experience more of it as time goes on. I have a job which makes me feel beaten down but I want to try to remember that it is only one part of my life and not all of my life. I have spent too much time concentrating on that since I didn't feel like I had much else going on for me. I want that to change and it is little by little. I even have a new wonderful friend who is so loving and supportive of me. I feel like I can be myself around her and can talk to her about anything. She has been such a positive aspect in my life and as my friendship with her continues to grow and blossom, so does my confidence and happiness.
I ran into my ex-husband this morning at the farmers market. I was visiting with a vendor and laughing at something and I looked up to see my ex standing there with his girlfriend. He saw me and whispered something to her and I'm pretty sure he knows I saw him too. I instantly thought how grateful I was that I had done my hair and makeup and dressed nicely this morning. I wanted him to see me happy and put together. I felt like the air was kicked out of me because when I see him, I am reminded of the pain and heartache that I went through but I never want to show that to him again. I finished my transaction and just turned and walked away. Nothing good would come of speaking to him and it would just make us both terribly uncomfortable. I just am reminded that I never want to go through that kind of pain and turmoil again. I am also reminded that I am a stronger woman than I was 9 years ago when he walked away. I like that I am stronger. I like that I have more confidence now.
