Resolutions...I think not.

I always try to avoid resolutions each new year to avoid disappointment later on. In the back of my mind I will sometimes toss around a few things but never speak them verbally because I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone else either. Since I have been reflecting so much over the last couple of weeks, I have decided that I need to set some kind of realistic goals for myself or I'm not working towards anything. I find it kind of depressing that I stopped working towards anything over the last few years. Perhaps this is why I fight depression so much. With nothing to work towards, I come home from work and lay on the couch until time to go to bed and start the next day over all over again in the same way. Pretty pathetic.  So I've been thinking about what I haven't been happy with about myself and decided I could at least make an effort to make some changes.

My house: I use to keep a great house, but lately, I haven't made much time for cleaning since I've been so busy laying on the couch. I hate the cringe feeling that I get if someone should happen to ring my doorbell. I freeze and debate on whether to pretend I am not at home or hope that it's someone that I wouldn't have to invite in. I don't like living like that. It's not like my house is that bad but it's not up to my standards that I am comfortable with. I want to start living in a way that I could invite someone in and be comfortable. Of course, I want it perfect but I do have dogs who shed A LOT and slobber so that's never going to happen. I will settle for dog hair and drool before I'll ever get rid of my pups.

My attitude: I have realized how judgemental I have become. I think a big part of this comes from my job. I have become so cynical over the years and find that I expect the worst in people. I listen to people tell stories and wonder how much of it is BS. This is terrible.  I know that I want people to give me the benefit of the doubt so why am I not doing that for others.  I know I can't fix this overnight but I certainly can try to stop and think and be more compassionate and empathetic if I try.

My finances: I love to spend money. Seriously, I just always find something that I have to have at that moment. This is why my house if full of stuff that I am looking to get rid of. I am tired of being broke. I hate that my credit cards are maxed out which, in turn, means I can't do the nice things that I want to do to my house. I am going to try to be more conscientious about what I am spending money on while out and about. I really want to make some headway on my debt so I can be more comfortable each month.

My spiritual life:  Last but certainly not least, I need to find my way back to God. It's not like I had anything against Him but there has been too much distance.  On my part, not God's. I haven't been to church in several months and I have found myself not praying nearly enough. It's not that I don't like church, but it is hard to get up off that darn couch on Sunday mornings, plus, I can be very introverted sometimes when I go places alone. I know, this sounds weird to people that know me.  I really like the pastors at the church that I attend when I go, but I am so lost there. I go in, listen, and go home without ever speaking to anyone. It can be an empty feeling sometime.  I have started a devotional book that has a short daily devotion that I am enjoying. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It is written as though it's Jesus talking to me. I think it's going to be good for me.

Well, I think that is enough to work on for one year. They are not resolutions but rather, life changes. I hear people talk about what their word for the year is and I have always struggled with coming up with a word. I didn't struggle this year. My word is RENEW. It's time to renew my spirit.