Time for more introspection or just clearing my mind I guess. I find that I dwell too much on what is not going the right way in my life rather than on my blessings that I do have. I got to thinking today that things aren't so bad right now. I have been trudging along and realized that things are ok. Sure, I have some unhappiness that always sits in the back of my mind but I have been blessed with some wonderful friends who have made me focus on love and laughter rather than loneliness and despair.
I was never very good at making friends. I still don't think I'm too great at fostering friendships. I led a very sheltered life with overprotective parents who didn't allow me out of their sight very much. I didn't go to friends houses much, nor had them over. I can only remember spending the night at a friends house once as a little girl. I understand why my parents were protective like they were but I feel that it stunted my emotional growth in a way. I don't blame them though because I know their heart was in the right place. As an adult, I continued to flounder in the friendship area. I always found it easier to talk to people who are older than me and it's easier for me to talk to women than it is for men. Needless to say, I didn't date much. When I met my ex-husband, I didn't have very many friends and the ones that I did, I put on the back burner. Yes, I was one of those girls who dropped friends to focus on my man. I didn't realize at the time how important girlfriends are in a person's life.
After the divorce, I was really alone. I stayed that way for several years and finally decided that I was the maker of my own destiny, so to speak, and only I could change my future. Thanks to Facebook, I got reacquainted with some old friends and made new friends as well. As I began to socialize a little more, I became more comfortable with meeting new people. Over the last 3 years, I have now immersed myself in book clubs, bible study and am not as fearful to talk to new people. I guess my self esteem has grown. It's not great, but it is better. I have days where I feel empowered and loved now and that is the greatest feeling in the world. I love this feeling and want to experience more of it as time goes on. I have a job which makes me feel beaten down but I want to try to remember that it is only one part of my life and not all of my life. I have spent too much time concentrating on that since I didn't feel like I had much else going on for me. I want that to change and it is little by little. I even have a new wonderful friend who is so loving and supportive of me. I feel like I can be myself around her and can talk to her about anything. She has been such a positive aspect in my life and as my friendship with her continues to grow and blossom, so does my confidence and happiness.
I ran into my ex-husband this morning at the farmers market. I was visiting with a vendor and laughing at something and I looked up to see my ex standing there with his girlfriend. He saw me and whispered something to her and I'm pretty sure he knows I saw him too. I instantly thought how grateful I was that I had done my hair and makeup and dressed nicely this morning. I wanted him to see me happy and put together. I felt like the air was kicked out of me because when I see him, I am reminded of the pain and heartache that I went through but I never want to show that to him again. I finished my transaction and just turned and walked away. Nothing good would come of speaking to him and it would just make us both terribly uncomfortable. I just am reminded that I never want to go through that kind of pain and turmoil again. I am also reminded that I am a stronger woman than I was 9 years ago when he walked away. I like that I am stronger. I like that I have more confidence now.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Melancholy
I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I have been sort of seeing a man for the past year but it has really been more of a pen pal/texting situation. He was living with a woman and he told me it was more of a roommate situation than anything else. He works out on oil rigs and is gone alot and needed someone to take care of his dog. I have put up with his promises for over a year that he was going to be moving and we could start a relationship. We argue because I call him out on his lies and we stop talking for a while and then reconnect again. We lost touch for 5 months until his mother was dying and he called upon me. I visited him and old feelings resurfaced and then the lies and distance started right back up. I finally had enough and decided to contact his "roommate". I am so naive. This wasn't a roommate situation, this was a live in girlfriend whom he was telling that he loved. This woman and I ended up having a really good talk and may even become friends at some point. She decided to end things with him and let him go and we have been consoling each other. He is bad news for me and the more I talked with her, the more lies I found out he had been telling me. I finally told him I was through and shared some choice words with him and it's all over. The problem is my feeling like I am just a stupid, naive girl. I was so lonely and was hoping that someone had finally taken an interest in me that I was willing to believe and put up with so much crap. I don't love him and never did. I was just settling just as I did in my marriage.
I am on a couple of online dating websites and started talking to a man last night. We seemed to be really hitting it off and exchanged numbers. We texted today and he said I was sweet and he wanted to meet me. In the course of our conversation, he mentioned he takes lithium. I asked why he takes this and he said he is schizophrenic. I told him this is a scary disease to me and I didn't think I would be able to handle that. After a little while, he texts back and said he was just f***ing with me. I asked why he would do that since I don't know him yet and don't know when he is joking. He said he was testing my reaction to adversity and I threw in the towel and wished me luck.
Why would someone joke about something like this? It is so disappointing to me. I told him he was just cruel. Why are men like this? This man is in his 40's, it's not like we are teenagers anymore.
I guess it's time for me to stop looking. This means I need to take my profile down off of these sites and really stop looking. I've been trying this online thing for about 3 years and most of these men seem to have some major issues. I just need to step away and really find myself. If I don't, I will keep falling into these same patterns. I just don't know how to find myself.
I am on a couple of online dating websites and started talking to a man last night. We seemed to be really hitting it off and exchanged numbers. We texted today and he said I was sweet and he wanted to meet me. In the course of our conversation, he mentioned he takes lithium. I asked why he takes this and he said he is schizophrenic. I told him this is a scary disease to me and I didn't think I would be able to handle that. After a little while, he texts back and said he was just f***ing with me. I asked why he would do that since I don't know him yet and don't know when he is joking. He said he was testing my reaction to adversity and I threw in the towel and wished me luck.
Why would someone joke about something like this? It is so disappointing to me. I told him he was just cruel. Why are men like this? This man is in his 40's, it's not like we are teenagers anymore.
I guess it's time for me to stop looking. This means I need to take my profile down off of these sites and really stop looking. I've been trying this online thing for about 3 years and most of these men seem to have some major issues. I just need to step away and really find myself. If I don't, I will keep falling into these same patterns. I just don't know how to find myself.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Resolutions...I think not.
I always try to avoid resolutions each new year to avoid disappointment later on. In the back of my mind I will sometimes toss around a few things but never speak them verbally because I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone else either. Since I have been reflecting so much over the last couple of weeks, I have decided that I need to set some kind of realistic goals for myself or I'm not working towards anything. I find it kind of depressing that I stopped working towards anything over the last few years. Perhaps this is why I fight depression so much. With nothing to work towards, I come home from work and lay on the couch until time to go to bed and start the next day over all over again in the same way. Pretty pathetic. So I've been thinking about what I haven't been happy with about myself and decided I could at least make an effort to make some changes.
My house: I use to keep a great house, but lately, I haven't made much time for cleaning since I've been so busy laying on the couch. I hate the cringe feeling that I get if someone should happen to ring my doorbell. I freeze and debate on whether to pretend I am not at home or hope that it's someone that I wouldn't have to invite in. I don't like living like that. It's not like my house is that bad but it's not up to my standards that I am comfortable with. I want to start living in a way that I could invite someone in and be comfortable. Of course, I want it perfect but I do have dogs who shed A LOT and slobber so that's never going to happen. I will settle for dog hair and drool before I'll ever get rid of my pups.
My attitude: I have realized how judgemental I have become. I think a big part of this comes from my job. I have become so cynical over the years and find that I expect the worst in people. I listen to people tell stories and wonder how much of it is BS. This is terrible. I know that I want people to give me the benefit of the doubt so why am I not doing that for others. I know I can't fix this overnight but I certainly can try to stop and think and be more compassionate and empathetic if I try.
My finances: I love to spend money. Seriously, I just always find something that I have to have at that moment. This is why my house if full of stuff that I am looking to get rid of. I am tired of being broke. I hate that my credit cards are maxed out which, in turn, means I can't do the nice things that I want to do to my house. I am going to try to be more conscientious about what I am spending money on while out and about. I really want to make some headway on my debt so I can be more comfortable each month.
My spiritual life: Last but certainly not least, I need to find my way back to God. It's not like I had anything against Him but there has been too much distance. On my part, not God's. I haven't been to church in several months and I have found myself not praying nearly enough. It's not that I don't like church, but it is hard to get up off that darn couch on Sunday mornings, plus, I can be very introverted sometimes when I go places alone. I know, this sounds weird to people that know me. I really like the pastors at the church that I attend when I go, but I am so lost there. I go in, listen, and go home without ever speaking to anyone. It can be an empty feeling sometime. I have started a devotional book that has a short daily devotion that I am enjoying. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It is written as though it's Jesus talking to me. I think it's going to be good for me.
Well, I think that is enough to work on for one year. They are not resolutions but rather, life changes. I hear people talk about what their word for the year is and I have always struggled with coming up with a word. I didn't struggle this year. My word is RENEW. It's time to renew my spirit.
My house: I use to keep a great house, but lately, I haven't made much time for cleaning since I've been so busy laying on the couch. I hate the cringe feeling that I get if someone should happen to ring my doorbell. I freeze and debate on whether to pretend I am not at home or hope that it's someone that I wouldn't have to invite in. I don't like living like that. It's not like my house is that bad but it's not up to my standards that I am comfortable with. I want to start living in a way that I could invite someone in and be comfortable. Of course, I want it perfect but I do have dogs who shed A LOT and slobber so that's never going to happen. I will settle for dog hair and drool before I'll ever get rid of my pups.
My attitude: I have realized how judgemental I have become. I think a big part of this comes from my job. I have become so cynical over the years and find that I expect the worst in people. I listen to people tell stories and wonder how much of it is BS. This is terrible. I know that I want people to give me the benefit of the doubt so why am I not doing that for others. I know I can't fix this overnight but I certainly can try to stop and think and be more compassionate and empathetic if I try.
My finances: I love to spend money. Seriously, I just always find something that I have to have at that moment. This is why my house if full of stuff that I am looking to get rid of. I am tired of being broke. I hate that my credit cards are maxed out which, in turn, means I can't do the nice things that I want to do to my house. I am going to try to be more conscientious about what I am spending money on while out and about. I really want to make some headway on my debt so I can be more comfortable each month.
My spiritual life: Last but certainly not least, I need to find my way back to God. It's not like I had anything against Him but there has been too much distance. On my part, not God's. I haven't been to church in several months and I have found myself not praying nearly enough. It's not that I don't like church, but it is hard to get up off that darn couch on Sunday mornings, plus, I can be very introverted sometimes when I go places alone. I know, this sounds weird to people that know me. I really like the pastors at the church that I attend when I go, but I am so lost there. I go in, listen, and go home without ever speaking to anyone. It can be an empty feeling sometime. I have started a devotional book that has a short daily devotion that I am enjoying. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It is written as though it's Jesus talking to me. I think it's going to be good for me.
Well, I think that is enough to work on for one year. They are not resolutions but rather, life changes. I hear people talk about what their word for the year is and I have always struggled with coming up with a word. I didn't struggle this year. My word is RENEW. It's time to renew my spirit.
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