It has certainly been a long time since I have poured my heart out in this avenue. I have had a couple of people ask when I would write again and I guess I just felt that I didn't have anything worth writing about. Perhaps I still don't, but I am here anyway. It always seems like when I am driving or taking a shower, I think of something that I should write down and then I never get to it and then I forget what I was thinking about. It is the last day of the year and I guess I am being reflective with the holidays ending and a new year beginning.
I turned 38 this year and as the year ends, I keep thinking how I am not satisfied with the direction of my life. I struggle with being grateful for the blessings that I have and I am not sure why. I find myself looking at others and dreaming how different my life could be but then I have to quickly remind myself of a line from a book I read that loosely says, "I am not equipped to handle the good and the bad of their journey". I do know that this is true and I know I am on my own journey but I feel like I am on a blind journey without any direction. I guess there is direction, but I am too stubborn and controlling to see and follow it.
Several people ask me if I am dating anyone. The answer to that is NO. It's not that I wouldn't like to be dating someone, but I just can't meet a nice, decent man who will respect me. I thought perhaps I had met a nice man this year because we have known each other for a long time and became reaquainted last year at this time. We spent quite a bit of time talking but he turned out to be a womanizing flake. He struggles so much with relationships and I realized that I was putting way more into it than he was so I finally had to cut that off. I know I push too hard when I am interested in someone, but they need to put in at least a little effort. I am still on these awful online dating sites but I haven't found anyone on there that is worth giving the time of day.
Another thing I am stuggling with this year is my weight. I went through the weight loss surgery and have gained so much of it back. I am an emotional eater and I simply love food so that is a deadly combination. Add to the fact that I am dissatified with certain aspects of my life, and you can guess what I am doing...eating! I have dreams of becoming a runner, being fit and feeling so full of energy but quite frankly, I hate exercise.
I have also been trying to advance in my job for quite a while now because it has always felt like it is what I should be aiming for in my career. I've been with my job for almost 15 years and it seems like it should be the natural progression for me to promote and make more money. I have been deflated many times when I didn't get a position that I applied for but I have also been grateful later on when I realized it wasn't the right job for me. God has been watching out for me. I've been thinking a lot of what it is that I really want to do. I don't really know. I think the only reason I have been applying for these difference positions is for the money and that is not always the right reason. I just want to be satisifed with my job. I think that since I don't have much else going on in my life except for work, I am throwing myself into my job and that certainly isn't making me happy. I really want to find happiness and fulfillment elsewhere and let work just be work that I walk away from each day at 4:30. I really just want work to serve the purpose of paying my bills and affording a few luxuries in life. I don't want it to be the "be all, end all" of my life.
I read back over this and realize how whiny it sounds. I am incredibly blessed in so many ways. I do have a good job, a house, a new car, pets, wonderful parents and several good friends. I volunteer once a month with dog rescue and it makes me feel good to see animals go to a good home. I am in a wonderful book clubwith a great group of women that I really enjoy and I get to go away to a scrapbook retreat with friends a couple of times a year. I just want to start feeling like I am doing enough and I am "enough". I guess that is the biggest problem is that I don't feel like I am good enough or worthy enough for all the happiness that I desire. I guess it's time to get back out those self help books. :)
Firstly, how happy for me that you wrote!! I was in a mild shock to see your blog pop up in my reader, and SO happy. Keep at it, it will help tremendously. xo And I don't think you sound whiny, but rather honest. There is a difference. Do always end with counting those blessings, and maybe begin with that too. Remember you are a blessing to others, too, ok? And you are NOT alone in wondering whether you are "enough." Good grief, that is a crippling feeling. It's so powerful, so don't let that fear take over. You are a treasured friend, and I am so happy to have found you as a permanent fixture, a real BLESSING in my life!! xoxo Happy New year! It's going to be amazing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Marie. I certainly treasure you and your friendship. I look up to you.
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