To say this has been a rough week would be an understatement. I follow a blog that says " I write because it's cheap therapy" and that is exactly what this is. I have been trying to gather my feelings and emotions and figure out what I've been feeling over the past few days and I'm still not sure I have it figured out yet.
I received an email from my ex-husband Wednesday afternoon. I have not heard from this man in 7 years since we finalized our divorce, which incidentally, was 7 years ago this week. He was emailing me to let me know that his mother had passed away that day. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. She was only 58. I quickly responded to him and asked if I could call him and he wrote back saying he was physically unable to talk but we could text and he gave me his number. I texted and didn't hear back so I threw caution to the wind and drove to his house. He was there standing on his porch visiting with a friend.
We have not seen each other in 7 years, so to say that this was all surreal would also be an understatement. He hugged me and I burst into tears, not only from grieving his mother but all of the past emotions of our relationship came rushing back to me. He comforted me and invited me in. He told me what had happened with his mother and I quickly got a few tidbits about the rest of his family. It was a brief visit because he needed to see his dad but those few minutes threw me back into the past.
I came home and emailed some friends because I wasn't able to talk at that point either. They comforted me but reminded me to not let this man get into my head because of how badly he hurt me in the past. They reminded me that I have a big heart and they understand me offering up my compassion and offering assistance but that I need to be a little selfish and look out for my well being this time. They are right. They couldn't be more right.
Jason said he would call me the next day to let me know the funeral arrangements but I never heard from him. I, of course, kept my phone with me at all times just in case he did call and realized I was falling back into old patterns. I did a lot of soul searching and replayed our brief conversation in my head and decided that I should not call him either and I just looked up the obituary to find the information I needed.
With all of this soul searching, a lot of old pain crept back up. I was afraid I would start having feelings for him again but instead, the old hurt and bad memories I had put behind me came back instead. Perhaps this is God's purpose to protect me.
I am reminded on how this man told me he loved me, was a good husband in so many ways, and then broke my heart when he told me he wanted a divorce. I am reminded of him keeping secrets from me, sneaking around, and not communicating with me, even when asked something specific. I am also reminded of the bitter divorce, how he left me in financial ruin, how his family took his side and cut themselves off from me as well. Needless to say, there was a lot of pain at that time.
I have been talking with my mom because she was so afraid all of this would happen to me when I heard from him and she was right. She reminded me how hurt I was when he left, how they thought they were going to lose me forever because I was near a nervous breakdown at that time. She said I had a lost and hollow look in my face and she didn't know if I would ever come back.
I did come back though. I have clawed and scratched my way back to a full life. I built myself back up financially, I have made some incredible friends over the last few years, I take care of my house and have learned how to take care of myself along the way. I survived and I am still surviving.
I attended the funeral today. I broke into tears the minute that I saw my ex father in law. I was nervous on how I would be accepted there today but he gave me a big hug and just held on to me for quite a while. I visited some other family members who treated me a little cautiously but most were very warm. I also came face to face with the ex who was standing there holding his girlfriends hand. I gave him a hug and it was a very emotional but beautiful service. I said my final goodbyes to everyone, gave Jason one last hug, and just looked at him and said "take care of yourself". I left feeling that I may never see these people again. It probably would be best if I never see these people again.
I am glad today is over. I feel like I lost myself for the past 4 days and now it's time to resume life again.
I realized that I do not have feelings for this man anymore. I will always care about him because we spent 7 years of our lives together. I learned a lot from him and he brought me incredible happiness during that time. I have no regrets for marrying him.
I did have some thoughts wondering why he has found someone and I am still floundering around looking for a good man. It doesn't seem quite fair when he was the one who left me and broke my heart but maybe God has a different purpose for me. I wish I understood it all but I don't and I know I am not meant to understand it. I just have to learn to let go and Let GOD.
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