Another horrible date!

Last Wednesday, I got a text from Bachelor #1 who I went out with last May or June. We had met twice and I didn't care a lot for him but he was my first date in 6 years so I blamed it on me because I was so "green".  We met for a nice dinner and we caught up and the conversation was going ok. He was a little cocky in my opinion but I tried to cut him some slack.  After dinner, we went back to my house to visit for a while.  He sat and watched tv for quite a while and then I finally asked him to turn it off so he could pay attention to me. Well, without going into too many details, we were enjoying each other's company, and his cell phone kept going off with text messages. He checked it each time. I finally asked who it was and he said it was a buddy of his asking him to meet for a beer. He said he told him he was on a hot date. I asked why his "buddy" kept texting him if he knew this and he said he wanted to know when he would be done. I was irritated because it's extremely rude to answer texts in the middle of a date but I kept my mouth shut for a little while.  Then this guy commented how thin my hair was when he touched my head. I just froze and felt like crying. He couldn't understand why I was upset and I told him how rude it was to comment on something about a woman that is not appealing.  He sat there for a minute while I continued to stew, he let out a big burp, and I told him I thought he might have more fun if he just went ahead and met his friend for that beer.  He then asked if it would be ok for him to take a crap. Yes, you read that correctly, he wanted to take a crap in my bathroom before leaving.  I told him no and said it was time for him to leave. He asked if there would be a second date! I said no and walked him to the door.  I told him he lacked social skills and he said he had never been told that before.  He texted me the next day and said he was sorry if he had offended me and I wouldn't hear from him again. I couldn't resist but to reply and tell him that I still couldn't believe the downward spiral of the evening and told him he was rude, cocky, and uncouth and he also would never hear from me again either.   How is it even possible that I have had so many awful dates?!?!? 

My heart was wrenched this week.

To say this has been a rough week would be an understatement. I follow a blog that says " I write because it's cheap therapy" and that is exactly what this is. I have been trying to gather my feelings and emotions and figure out what I've been feeling over the past few days and I'm still not sure I have it figured out yet.
I received an email from my ex-husband Wednesday afternoon. I have not heard from this man in 7 years since we finalized our divorce, which incidentally, was 7 years ago this week. He was emailing me to let me know that his mother had passed away that day. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. She was only 58. I quickly responded to him and asked if I could call him and he wrote back saying he was physically unable to talk but we could text and he gave me his number. I texted and didn't hear back so I threw caution to the wind and drove to his house. He was there standing on his porch visiting with a friend.
We have not seen each other in 7 years, so to say that this was all surreal would also be an understatement. He hugged me and I burst into tears, not only from grieving his mother but all of the past emotions of our relationship came rushing back to me. He comforted me and invited me in. He told me what had happened with his mother and I quickly got a few tidbits about the rest of his family. It was a brief visit because he needed to see his dad but those few minutes threw me back into the past.
I came home and emailed some friends because I wasn't able to talk at that point either. They comforted me but reminded me to not let this man get into my head because of how badly he hurt me in the past. They reminded me that I have a big heart and they understand me offering up my compassion and offering assistance but that I need to be a little selfish and look out for my well being this time.  They are right.  They couldn't be more right.
Jason said he would call me the next day to let me know the funeral arrangements but I never heard from him. I, of course, kept my phone with me at all times just in case he did call and realized I was falling back into old patterns. I did a lot of soul searching and replayed our brief conversation in my head and decided that I should not call him either and I just looked up the obituary to find the information I needed.
With all of this soul searching, a lot of old pain crept back up. I was afraid I would start having feelings for him again but instead, the old hurt and bad memories I had put behind me came back instead. Perhaps this is God's purpose to protect me.
I am reminded on how this man told me he loved me, was a good husband in so many ways, and then broke my heart when he told me he wanted a divorce. I am reminded of him keeping secrets from me, sneaking around, and not communicating with me, even when asked something specific.  I am also reminded of the bitter divorce, how he left me in financial ruin, how his family took his side and cut themselves off from me as well.  Needless to say, there was a lot of pain at that time.
I have been talking with my mom because she was so afraid all of this would happen to me when I heard from him and she was right. She reminded me how hurt I was when he left, how they thought they were going to lose me forever because I was near a nervous breakdown at that time. She said I had a lost and hollow look in my face and she didn't know if I would ever come back.
I did come back though. I have clawed and scratched my way back to a full life. I built myself back up financially, I have made some incredible friends over the last few years, I take care of my house and have learned how to take care of myself along the way. I survived and I am still surviving.
I attended the funeral today. I broke into tears the minute that I saw my ex father in law. I was nervous on how I would be accepted there today but he gave me a big hug and just held on to me for quite a while. I visited some other family members who treated me a little cautiously but most were very warm. I also came face to face with the ex who was standing there holding his girlfriends hand.  I gave him a hug and it was a very emotional but beautiful service. I said my final goodbyes to everyone, gave Jason one last hug, and just looked at him and said "take care of yourself". I left feeling that I may never see these people again. It probably would be best if I never see these people again.
I am glad today is over. I feel like I lost myself for the past 4 days and now it's time to resume life again.
I realized that I do not have feelings for this man anymore. I will always care about him because we spent 7 years of our lives together. I learned a lot from him and he brought me incredible happiness during that time. I have no regrets for marrying him.
I did have some thoughts wondering why he has found someone and I am still floundering around looking for a good man. It doesn't seem quite fair when he was the one who left me and broke my heart but maybe God has a different purpose for me. I wish I understood it all but I don't and I know I am not meant to understand it. I just have to learn to let go and Let GOD.