My life is not where I thought it would be right now. I guess a lot of people can say that but I find myself reflecting on it a lot lately. I have so many blessings in my life and I know I need to focus on those rather than on what I don't have but that can be so hard sometimes. I feel like I have lost control in my life and therefore have lost myself as well and I need to find me.
I think the last time I wrote, I talked about Bachelor #23 who is a very sweet man but has too many issues to be dating right now. Well, we are trying to maintain a platonic friendship right now but I'm honestly not sure if I even want to do that right now. He is still very sweet but his issues are just too great for me and when we talk, it always turns to what is going on in his life which bothers me. We hung out about a week ago and I found him annoying for some reason. I guess since we have taken romance off the table, it opened my eyes to what was there but I wasn't seeing. He continues to text me and is trying to plan another get together but my life has been busy so I have put him off. I really don't know what to do about this one because I don't want to hurt his feelings so I guess I will just see what plays out with this frienship.
I have been maintaining a friendship with Bachelor #11 who I dated for 3 months back in the fall. We started hanging out together recently and all of my old romantic feelings have come back to me. I know all of our same issues are there that we had when we dated but he has started some new meds and seems so much better than he was so I became optimistic. I finally felt like I had to admit to him that I was having feelings for him again but it made him a little uncomfortable because he doesn't know what he wants right now. I have decided to back off because I am trying to save myself from getting hurt again. I did break down and texted him today to see how he was and let him know that if he changes his mind about me to let me know. He said he would.
Another aspect of my life that I have been avoiding lately has been my weight. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster for so many months lately so I have been doing a lot of emotional eating. I love carbs and I have been seeking solace in them greatly. I absolutely love sweets and cupcakes and cookies have been my best friend and worst enemy at the same time. I have also neglected the gym for several months. It is time for me to take back control of my life so I have made an appointment to go back to see my weight loss surgeon and the dietician tomorrow. I am ashamed and embarassed because I haven't lost anything in months and I will have to confess my sins to them. I actually already emailed the dietician to sort of confess ahead of time in hopes of easing the blow tomorrow. She is going to try to help me restart my program and I did buy a cookbook this week for people who are post-op. All of my cookbooks have great recipes but they all contain bread, rice, pasta or potatoes which is a big no-no for me. I know I can leave them out but sometimes, it just leaves the food lacking something really special.
I just need to take care of myself for a change and not focus on all these no good men who don't care about me anyway. Perhaps if I do that, the right guy will come along. Now if I can just try to stop looking for Mr. Right and let him find me!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Disappointment
Last time I blogged, I wrote that I had met Bachelor #23 and he was so nice and sweet and we really hit it off. I still feel the same way about him but I had some concerns that was holding me back and we have decided to part ways for a while to work through some issues. This is an incredibly sweet man and I do really like him and care for him but he is recently divorced and has some major financial and independence issues that he needs to work through before I could commit to him. We had a long discussion about it and he agreed that he isn't in a good place to be dating right now until he gets his issues resolved. He has really fallen for me in such a short period of time and even told me that he loves me but I worry that this is a rebound thing for him and I tried to assure him that he doesn't know me well enough to say he loves me and this is probably just infatuation at this point. What I do like about him is the fact that we communicate about what we are feeling and any concerns or joys that we have with or about each other. I haven't been in a relationship before where it was so easy to talk to someone and I think that is what has made us grow so close to each other in such a short period of time. He just has to get to a place in his life where he feels good about himself because at this point, he said he doesn't feel like he has anything to offer me and he doesn't feel like he is an equal with me. I certainly don't want someone with me who feels inferior in any way and who has doubts about himself because of what I have or what I have achieved in my life. Why do relationships have to be so complicated?
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