Monday, July 25, 2011
Another horrible date!
Last Wednesday, I got a text from Bachelor #1 who I went out with last May or June. We had met twice and I didn't care a lot for him but he was my first date in 6 years so I blamed it on me because I was so "green". We met for a nice dinner and we caught up and the conversation was going ok. He was a little cocky in my opinion but I tried to cut him some slack. After dinner, we went back to my house to visit for a while. He sat and watched tv for quite a while and then I finally asked him to turn it off so he could pay attention to me. Well, without going into too many details, we were enjoying each other's company, and his cell phone kept going off with text messages. He checked it each time. I finally asked who it was and he said it was a buddy of his asking him to meet for a beer. He said he told him he was on a hot date. I asked why his "buddy" kept texting him if he knew this and he said he wanted to know when he would be done. I was irritated because it's extremely rude to answer texts in the middle of a date but I kept my mouth shut for a little while. Then this guy commented how thin my hair was when he touched my head. I just froze and felt like crying. He couldn't understand why I was upset and I told him how rude it was to comment on something about a woman that is not appealing. He sat there for a minute while I continued to stew, he let out a big burp, and I told him I thought he might have more fun if he just went ahead and met his friend for that beer. He then asked if it would be ok for him to take a crap. Yes, you read that correctly, he wanted to take a crap in my bathroom before leaving. I told him no and said it was time for him to leave. He asked if there would be a second date! I said no and walked him to the door. I told him he lacked social skills and he said he had never been told that before. He texted me the next day and said he was sorry if he had offended me and I wouldn't hear from him again. I couldn't resist but to reply and tell him that I still couldn't believe the downward spiral of the evening and told him he was rude, cocky, and uncouth and he also would never hear from me again either. How is it even possible that I have had so many awful dates?!?!?
Saturday, July 9, 2011
My heart was wrenched this week.
To say this has been a rough week would be an understatement. I follow a blog that says " I write because it's cheap therapy" and that is exactly what this is. I have been trying to gather my feelings and emotions and figure out what I've been feeling over the past few days and I'm still not sure I have it figured out yet.
I received an email from my ex-husband Wednesday afternoon. I have not heard from this man in 7 years since we finalized our divorce, which incidentally, was 7 years ago this week. He was emailing me to let me know that his mother had passed away that day. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. She was only 58. I quickly responded to him and asked if I could call him and he wrote back saying he was physically unable to talk but we could text and he gave me his number. I texted and didn't hear back so I threw caution to the wind and drove to his house. He was there standing on his porch visiting with a friend.
We have not seen each other in 7 years, so to say that this was all surreal would also be an understatement. He hugged me and I burst into tears, not only from grieving his mother but all of the past emotions of our relationship came rushing back to me. He comforted me and invited me in. He told me what had happened with his mother and I quickly got a few tidbits about the rest of his family. It was a brief visit because he needed to see his dad but those few minutes threw me back into the past.
I came home and emailed some friends because I wasn't able to talk at that point either. They comforted me but reminded me to not let this man get into my head because of how badly he hurt me in the past. They reminded me that I have a big heart and they understand me offering up my compassion and offering assistance but that I need to be a little selfish and look out for my well being this time. They are right. They couldn't be more right.
Jason said he would call me the next day to let me know the funeral arrangements but I never heard from him. I, of course, kept my phone with me at all times just in case he did call and realized I was falling back into old patterns. I did a lot of soul searching and replayed our brief conversation in my head and decided that I should not call him either and I just looked up the obituary to find the information I needed.
With all of this soul searching, a lot of old pain crept back up. I was afraid I would start having feelings for him again but instead, the old hurt and bad memories I had put behind me came back instead. Perhaps this is God's purpose to protect me.
I am reminded on how this man told me he loved me, was a good husband in so many ways, and then broke my heart when he told me he wanted a divorce. I am reminded of him keeping secrets from me, sneaking around, and not communicating with me, even when asked something specific. I am also reminded of the bitter divorce, how he left me in financial ruin, how his family took his side and cut themselves off from me as well. Needless to say, there was a lot of pain at that time.
I have been talking with my mom because she was so afraid all of this would happen to me when I heard from him and she was right. She reminded me how hurt I was when he left, how they thought they were going to lose me forever because I was near a nervous breakdown at that time. She said I had a lost and hollow look in my face and she didn't know if I would ever come back.
I did come back though. I have clawed and scratched my way back to a full life. I built myself back up financially, I have made some incredible friends over the last few years, I take care of my house and have learned how to take care of myself along the way. I survived and I am still surviving.
I attended the funeral today. I broke into tears the minute that I saw my ex father in law. I was nervous on how I would be accepted there today but he gave me a big hug and just held on to me for quite a while. I visited some other family members who treated me a little cautiously but most were very warm. I also came face to face with the ex who was standing there holding his girlfriends hand. I gave him a hug and it was a very emotional but beautiful service. I said my final goodbyes to everyone, gave Jason one last hug, and just looked at him and said "take care of yourself". I left feeling that I may never see these people again. It probably would be best if I never see these people again.
I am glad today is over. I feel like I lost myself for the past 4 days and now it's time to resume life again.
I realized that I do not have feelings for this man anymore. I will always care about him because we spent 7 years of our lives together. I learned a lot from him and he brought me incredible happiness during that time. I have no regrets for marrying him.
I did have some thoughts wondering why he has found someone and I am still floundering around looking for a good man. It doesn't seem quite fair when he was the one who left me and broke my heart but maybe God has a different purpose for me. I wish I understood it all but I don't and I know I am not meant to understand it. I just have to learn to let go and Let GOD.
I received an email from my ex-husband Wednesday afternoon. I have not heard from this man in 7 years since we finalized our divorce, which incidentally, was 7 years ago this week. He was emailing me to let me know that his mother had passed away that day. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. She was only 58. I quickly responded to him and asked if I could call him and he wrote back saying he was physically unable to talk but we could text and he gave me his number. I texted and didn't hear back so I threw caution to the wind and drove to his house. He was there standing on his porch visiting with a friend.
We have not seen each other in 7 years, so to say that this was all surreal would also be an understatement. He hugged me and I burst into tears, not only from grieving his mother but all of the past emotions of our relationship came rushing back to me. He comforted me and invited me in. He told me what had happened with his mother and I quickly got a few tidbits about the rest of his family. It was a brief visit because he needed to see his dad but those few minutes threw me back into the past.
I came home and emailed some friends because I wasn't able to talk at that point either. They comforted me but reminded me to not let this man get into my head because of how badly he hurt me in the past. They reminded me that I have a big heart and they understand me offering up my compassion and offering assistance but that I need to be a little selfish and look out for my well being this time. They are right. They couldn't be more right.
Jason said he would call me the next day to let me know the funeral arrangements but I never heard from him. I, of course, kept my phone with me at all times just in case he did call and realized I was falling back into old patterns. I did a lot of soul searching and replayed our brief conversation in my head and decided that I should not call him either and I just looked up the obituary to find the information I needed.
With all of this soul searching, a lot of old pain crept back up. I was afraid I would start having feelings for him again but instead, the old hurt and bad memories I had put behind me came back instead. Perhaps this is God's purpose to protect me.
I am reminded on how this man told me he loved me, was a good husband in so many ways, and then broke my heart when he told me he wanted a divorce. I am reminded of him keeping secrets from me, sneaking around, and not communicating with me, even when asked something specific. I am also reminded of the bitter divorce, how he left me in financial ruin, how his family took his side and cut themselves off from me as well. Needless to say, there was a lot of pain at that time.
I have been talking with my mom because she was so afraid all of this would happen to me when I heard from him and she was right. She reminded me how hurt I was when he left, how they thought they were going to lose me forever because I was near a nervous breakdown at that time. She said I had a lost and hollow look in my face and she didn't know if I would ever come back.
I did come back though. I have clawed and scratched my way back to a full life. I built myself back up financially, I have made some incredible friends over the last few years, I take care of my house and have learned how to take care of myself along the way. I survived and I am still surviving.
I attended the funeral today. I broke into tears the minute that I saw my ex father in law. I was nervous on how I would be accepted there today but he gave me a big hug and just held on to me for quite a while. I visited some other family members who treated me a little cautiously but most were very warm. I also came face to face with the ex who was standing there holding his girlfriends hand. I gave him a hug and it was a very emotional but beautiful service. I said my final goodbyes to everyone, gave Jason one last hug, and just looked at him and said "take care of yourself". I left feeling that I may never see these people again. It probably would be best if I never see these people again.
I am glad today is over. I feel like I lost myself for the past 4 days and now it's time to resume life again.
I realized that I do not have feelings for this man anymore. I will always care about him because we spent 7 years of our lives together. I learned a lot from him and he brought me incredible happiness during that time. I have no regrets for marrying him.
I did have some thoughts wondering why he has found someone and I am still floundering around looking for a good man. It doesn't seem quite fair when he was the one who left me and broke my heart but maybe God has a different purpose for me. I wish I understood it all but I don't and I know I am not meant to understand it. I just have to learn to let go and Let GOD.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I've lost myself and it's time to find me again
I haven't posted a blog in a long time. I have met a few more bachelors..#'s 28, 29, 30, and 31. They are not even worthy enough to write about. Pretty sad in my opinion. I will say that one of them was probably suffering from Asperger's syndrome and it turned out to be a pretty miserable date which he thought was fantastic. The story of my life.
I've been doing a lot of contemplating on my life lately. I had a week off from work which gave me a lot of time to think. I have been so discouraged with my dating life among other aspects of my life and decided to try to put it in perspective this week.
I get upset that the men that I have been meeting don't show me respect but I have to remember that I haven't always shown myself to be worthy of respect. I have also met men who really weren't worthy of my respect either. I really need to be more selective with who I agree to meet.
I have let myself go physically. I worked so hard last year to lose weight but then I started dating and I became complacent. I haven't lost weight since I started dating these unworthy men and in fact, I have started gaining again. It's time to start taking care of myself and learn to love myself. I can't expect anyone else to love me if I can't love myself. I was doing so well with exercising for a while but then I allowed dates to get in the way of that too.
If I don't feel good about myself, I will continue to pick up with men who don't feel good about themselves either.
I also feel like I have lost some purpose in my life. I still get up and go to work everyday but I feel like something is lacking in my life. I think it's time for me to look into volunteer work. I absolutely love dogs and I am planning on filling out a volunteer application this week to start helping out with a pet organization.
It's just time for me to start caring about myself again. I want to be happy with my accomplishments and with who I am as a person. I'm the only one who can change things so it's time to start.
I've been doing a lot of contemplating on my life lately. I had a week off from work which gave me a lot of time to think. I have been so discouraged with my dating life among other aspects of my life and decided to try to put it in perspective this week.
I get upset that the men that I have been meeting don't show me respect but I have to remember that I haven't always shown myself to be worthy of respect. I have also met men who really weren't worthy of my respect either. I really need to be more selective with who I agree to meet.
I have let myself go physically. I worked so hard last year to lose weight but then I started dating and I became complacent. I haven't lost weight since I started dating these unworthy men and in fact, I have started gaining again. It's time to start taking care of myself and learn to love myself. I can't expect anyone else to love me if I can't love myself. I was doing so well with exercising for a while but then I allowed dates to get in the way of that too.
If I don't feel good about myself, I will continue to pick up with men who don't feel good about themselves either.
I also feel like I have lost some purpose in my life. I still get up and go to work everyday but I feel like something is lacking in my life. I think it's time for me to look into volunteer work. I absolutely love dogs and I am planning on filling out a volunteer application this week to start helping out with a pet organization.
It's just time for me to start caring about myself again. I want to be happy with my accomplishments and with who I am as a person. I'm the only one who can change things so it's time to start.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Bachelors number 26 and 27....will I ever find the one???
I haven't blogged in a long time but there hasn't been too much to write about. I did have two dates a couple of weeks ago with two different men. Bachelor #26 was very nice but there wasn't a click. We met for dinner and he kind of abruptly ended it pretty early on but we didn't have all that much to talk about anyway besides figuring out that we knew a mutual friend. Bachelor #27 was another nice guy. We met for dinner and had a nice visit. He then asked me to meet him for lunch a couple of days later which went ok too. He ended up telling me later that he didn't know what he wanted and knew that with his work schedule and being a single father with full custody, he knew it wouldn't be fair to continue seeing me. He was probably a little redneck for me anyway but at least he wasn't a jerk like some of the others.
I know I am trying way too hard to find someone to spend time with and this online thing isn't generating the kind of men that I desire. I know there are nice men out there but they don't seem to be on these online dating sites. I guess they are actually getting out into the world and meeting people in person. I definitely need to expand my horizons.
I know I am trying way too hard to find someone to spend time with and this online thing isn't generating the kind of men that I desire. I know there are nice men out there but they don't seem to be on these online dating sites. I guess they are actually getting out into the world and meeting people in person. I definitely need to expand my horizons.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Counting My Blessings
I'm currently reading a new Chicken Soup For The Soul book that is about Positive Thoughts. I got it thinking it might help me gain a better perspective and cheer me up. I read one story where a woman listed 100 things she is grateful for in her life. I decided I would attempt to give this a try. It's so easy to take so many things in life for granted and I know I won't touch the tip of the iceberg in finding the blessings in my life but here goes nothing. I'm going to shoot for 50 at this point.
1. My mom
2. My dad
3. My cousin, Darla
4. My friend, Diane
5. My dog, Annie
6. My dog, Sam
7. My home
8. My car
9. My job
10. My neighbors
11. My health
12. My freedom
13. My church
14. My friend, Cheryl
15. My friend, Patti
16. My grandma
17. My marriage (even though I'm divorced, I had 7 wonderful years of happiness)
18. My parents dog, Frank
19. My co-workers
20. My morning coffee
21. Water aerobics
22. Health insurance
23. My computer
24. Comfortable bed
25. Laughter
26. Massages
27. Enough money to support myself
28. My Stampin Up card club'
29. Scrapbooking crops
30. Hobby House Hill
31. Air conditioning
32. Heat
33. Clothing to wear
34. Income tax refunds
35. Longevity pay
36. Christmas
37. Enough food to eat
38. Facials
39. Pedicures
40. Music
41. Friends blogs which encourage me (Sam)
42. My furniture
43. Favorite TV shows
44. Good books
45. Shopping
46. My wonderful team that I supervise at work
47. Job security
48. Learned life lessons
49. My weight loss
50. Sunshine
1. My mom
2. My dad
3. My cousin, Darla
4. My friend, Diane
5. My dog, Annie
6. My dog, Sam
7. My home
8. My car
9. My job
10. My neighbors
11. My health
12. My freedom
13. My church
14. My friend, Cheryl
15. My friend, Patti
16. My grandma
17. My marriage (even though I'm divorced, I had 7 wonderful years of happiness)
18. My parents dog, Frank
19. My co-workers
20. My morning coffee
21. Water aerobics
22. Health insurance
23. My computer
24. Comfortable bed
25. Laughter
26. Massages
27. Enough money to support myself
28. My Stampin Up card club'
29. Scrapbooking crops
30. Hobby House Hill
31. Air conditioning
32. Heat
33. Clothing to wear
34. Income tax refunds
35. Longevity pay
36. Christmas
37. Enough food to eat
38. Facials
39. Pedicures
40. Music
41. Friends blogs which encourage me (Sam)
42. My furniture
43. Favorite TV shows
44. Good books
45. Shopping
46. My wonderful team that I supervise at work
47. Job security
48. Learned life lessons
49. My weight loss
50. Sunshine
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Loneliness
I feel like the dating well has dried up. I haven't met anyone new in quite some time now and I find myself wanting to call up the old ones to see how they are and I know that is the worst thing I could do. I keep trying to tell myself to use this time to work on myself but I guess I have had too much alone time today and it made me realize that I am alone. I do have some wonderful girlfriends but they can't feel the void completely and they have lives of their own. I've been trying to concentrate on the blessings in my life and praying for contentment because this seems to be what I struggle with the most. I have my own home, a car, a good job, wonderful parents, a cousin who is like a sister to me and is also my best friend, my dogs, good neighbors, good friends and my health. This should be enough but it feels like something is missing. I don't have anyone to share all of this with. I want someone to share this with. I often wonder what God has in store for me and I certainly should be paying for patience because that is a virtue that I am certainly lacking. I just wish I knew what my purpose was in this life.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The dating saga continues
I haven't blogged in a really long time. I joined EHarmony and I've been very disappointed in that website. One of the matches that it sent me turned out to be a convicted felon who works at and attends my church (bachelor #24). He served time for drugs and I don't think he could understand why I couldn't handle this. He sent me a couple of creepy messages but he finally faded away. I ran into him at church a couple of times but I have managed to avoid him lately. I then joined a Christian dating website and met a man (bachelor #25) who was very nice but we didn't have much in common. He took me out on a date but when we sat down to eat, he commented on how expensive the restaurant was and then he took me to Bass Pro. It wasn't really my kind of date. I had to break it to him later than we just didn't have the romantic connection that I was looking for in a mate.
I maintained a friendship with Bachelor #23 and we decided we would give dating another chance. He said he had worked through some issues and felt he was ready to date again. We dated for a week but then he got weird on me so we ended it again. He hadn't worked through his issues like he thought he had and I asked him to refrain from dating any woman for a long time so he won't put anyone else through his crap.
I really am tired of the dating rat race. I would love to meet a nice man who treats me with respect and courtesy but I am tired of looking for him. It's time for me to step back and let life take it's course, I guess.
I did go away last weekend with some girlfriends and I had the best time and realized that I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. This is what life is all about. It's about spending quality time with those we love and not sweating the small stuff. I realize I have been sweating the small stuff for quite some time now and it's time to step back and relax.
I maintained a friendship with Bachelor #23 and we decided we would give dating another chance. He said he had worked through some issues and felt he was ready to date again. We dated for a week but then he got weird on me so we ended it again. He hadn't worked through his issues like he thought he had and I asked him to refrain from dating any woman for a long time so he won't put anyone else through his crap.
I really am tired of the dating rat race. I would love to meet a nice man who treats me with respect and courtesy but I am tired of looking for him. It's time for me to step back and let life take it's course, I guess.
I did go away last weekend with some girlfriends and I had the best time and realized that I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. This is what life is all about. It's about spending quality time with those we love and not sweating the small stuff. I realize I have been sweating the small stuff for quite some time now and it's time to step back and relax.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Dazed and Confused=Out of Control
My life is not where I thought it would be right now. I guess a lot of people can say that but I find myself reflecting on it a lot lately. I have so many blessings in my life and I know I need to focus on those rather than on what I don't have but that can be so hard sometimes. I feel like I have lost control in my life and therefore have lost myself as well and I need to find me.
I think the last time I wrote, I talked about Bachelor #23 who is a very sweet man but has too many issues to be dating right now. Well, we are trying to maintain a platonic friendship right now but I'm honestly not sure if I even want to do that right now. He is still very sweet but his issues are just too great for me and when we talk, it always turns to what is going on in his life which bothers me. We hung out about a week ago and I found him annoying for some reason. I guess since we have taken romance off the table, it opened my eyes to what was there but I wasn't seeing. He continues to text me and is trying to plan another get together but my life has been busy so I have put him off. I really don't know what to do about this one because I don't want to hurt his feelings so I guess I will just see what plays out with this frienship.
I have been maintaining a friendship with Bachelor #11 who I dated for 3 months back in the fall. We started hanging out together recently and all of my old romantic feelings have come back to me. I know all of our same issues are there that we had when we dated but he has started some new meds and seems so much better than he was so I became optimistic. I finally felt like I had to admit to him that I was having feelings for him again but it made him a little uncomfortable because he doesn't know what he wants right now. I have decided to back off because I am trying to save myself from getting hurt again. I did break down and texted him today to see how he was and let him know that if he changes his mind about me to let me know. He said he would.
Another aspect of my life that I have been avoiding lately has been my weight. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster for so many months lately so I have been doing a lot of emotional eating. I love carbs and I have been seeking solace in them greatly. I absolutely love sweets and cupcakes and cookies have been my best friend and worst enemy at the same time. I have also neglected the gym for several months. It is time for me to take back control of my life so I have made an appointment to go back to see my weight loss surgeon and the dietician tomorrow. I am ashamed and embarassed because I haven't lost anything in months and I will have to confess my sins to them. I actually already emailed the dietician to sort of confess ahead of time in hopes of easing the blow tomorrow. She is going to try to help me restart my program and I did buy a cookbook this week for people who are post-op. All of my cookbooks have great recipes but they all contain bread, rice, pasta or potatoes which is a big no-no for me. I know I can leave them out but sometimes, it just leaves the food lacking something really special.
I just need to take care of myself for a change and not focus on all these no good men who don't care about me anyway. Perhaps if I do that, the right guy will come along. Now if I can just try to stop looking for Mr. Right and let him find me!
I think the last time I wrote, I talked about Bachelor #23 who is a very sweet man but has too many issues to be dating right now. Well, we are trying to maintain a platonic friendship right now but I'm honestly not sure if I even want to do that right now. He is still very sweet but his issues are just too great for me and when we talk, it always turns to what is going on in his life which bothers me. We hung out about a week ago and I found him annoying for some reason. I guess since we have taken romance off the table, it opened my eyes to what was there but I wasn't seeing. He continues to text me and is trying to plan another get together but my life has been busy so I have put him off. I really don't know what to do about this one because I don't want to hurt his feelings so I guess I will just see what plays out with this frienship.
I have been maintaining a friendship with Bachelor #11 who I dated for 3 months back in the fall. We started hanging out together recently and all of my old romantic feelings have come back to me. I know all of our same issues are there that we had when we dated but he has started some new meds and seems so much better than he was so I became optimistic. I finally felt like I had to admit to him that I was having feelings for him again but it made him a little uncomfortable because he doesn't know what he wants right now. I have decided to back off because I am trying to save myself from getting hurt again. I did break down and texted him today to see how he was and let him know that if he changes his mind about me to let me know. He said he would.
Another aspect of my life that I have been avoiding lately has been my weight. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster for so many months lately so I have been doing a lot of emotional eating. I love carbs and I have been seeking solace in them greatly. I absolutely love sweets and cupcakes and cookies have been my best friend and worst enemy at the same time. I have also neglected the gym for several months. It is time for me to take back control of my life so I have made an appointment to go back to see my weight loss surgeon and the dietician tomorrow. I am ashamed and embarassed because I haven't lost anything in months and I will have to confess my sins to them. I actually already emailed the dietician to sort of confess ahead of time in hopes of easing the blow tomorrow. She is going to try to help me restart my program and I did buy a cookbook this week for people who are post-op. All of my cookbooks have great recipes but they all contain bread, rice, pasta or potatoes which is a big no-no for me. I know I can leave them out but sometimes, it just leaves the food lacking something really special.
I just need to take care of myself for a change and not focus on all these no good men who don't care about me anyway. Perhaps if I do that, the right guy will come along. Now if I can just try to stop looking for Mr. Right and let him find me!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Disappointment
Last time I blogged, I wrote that I had met Bachelor #23 and he was so nice and sweet and we really hit it off. I still feel the same way about him but I had some concerns that was holding me back and we have decided to part ways for a while to work through some issues. This is an incredibly sweet man and I do really like him and care for him but he is recently divorced and has some major financial and independence issues that he needs to work through before I could commit to him. We had a long discussion about it and he agreed that he isn't in a good place to be dating right now until he gets his issues resolved. He has really fallen for me in such a short period of time and even told me that he loves me but I worry that this is a rebound thing for him and I tried to assure him that he doesn't know me well enough to say he loves me and this is probably just infatuation at this point. What I do like about him is the fact that we communicate about what we are feeling and any concerns or joys that we have with or about each other. I haven't been in a relationship before where it was so easy to talk to someone and I think that is what has made us grow so close to each other in such a short period of time. He just has to get to a place in his life where he feels good about himself because at this point, he said he doesn't feel like he has anything to offer me and he doesn't feel like he is an equal with me. I certainly don't want someone with me who feels inferior in any way and who has doubts about himself because of what I have or what I have achieved in my life. Why do relationships have to be so complicated?
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