Why does it seem like God has forgotten me?

I feel like rejection is becoming a way of life for me. I want to advance in my career and I continually get turned down. I want to find love from a good man and I only seem to meet men who are not good for me or I don't meet anyone at all for that matter. I am continually having people tell me that I am not liked or I am not a good person, both straight to my face or done anonymously. I don't want to be a victim but I am reaching the end of my rope. I know I have blessings in my life and I know I take them for granted. I try to remember and I thank God for them but God seems to have turned an ear on hearing my prayers. When does it ever become my turn for something to work out right?  So discouraged and empty feeling right now.

Overwhelming Sadness

I don't make it over to the blog much. I guess it really only comes to mind when I am hurting and need to find an outlet for my pain. I sometimes rely on going to friends to unleash that pain but I don't want to burn any bridges that way. If I don't find an outlet though, it's going to seep out anyway and in the most uncomfortable ways. It already has.

I lost my best friend this month. It wasn't to death but bad communication and a bit of selfishness. As I write this, I wonder if it really was as good of a friendship as I thought it was since it ended so abruptly.  I have never claimed to be a good friend. I try but I never really learned how to foster friendships and I even told this friend that one time. She was very thoughtful and kind though and would tell me that I was a good friend. My parents were ultra protective of me as a child and I wasn't allowed to spend time with friends outside of school very much so I never learned all of the normal social skills that kids learn along the way. I try to watch others and see how they interact and I am trying to learn as an adult but maybe it's too late for me. I don't know. I think I pretty much suck at it.

I have been under a lot of stress lately. I changed locations at work and I am trying to get a promotion. The anxiety has been building in me and when this happens, everything else seems to always seem magnified in my mind.  I have been focusing way too much on how overwhelming things seem. I work full time, have a house to take care of, yards to maintain, animals and just the financial burden of doing it all alone. Then I remind myself that others do this on a daily basis by themselves and I need to suck it up and quit being a big baby. I also just generally have not been feeling good because I am not taking care of myself.  It just is a lot to do alone sometimes. I digress though.  My friend has also been under a lot of stress and anxiety. It was becoming almost obsessive in every conversation we had. At least it felt that way to me. It could be because of my anxiety that it seemed magnified.  I didn't necessarily feel like I could tell her what I have been feeling and I didn't feel I was in any shape to know how to handle her issues so I backed off. This probably wasn't a great idea but I thought I was self preserving. I hurt her by backing off. She didn't understand why and I didn't know how to explain it. I just didn't want to argue or be hurtful. She called me out on it and I finally had to say that I couldn't handle her and didn't want to contribute to her troubles.  I think she misunderstood me and maybe I haven't been understanding her but we ended up getting defensive with each other, I called her a victim and she told me how mean and hurtful I am. She then said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. It was over that fast. This all also happened on Facebook messenger while I was at work.  It broke my heart. This woman has told me over the past year that she loves me, I'm an honorary member of her family and I am like a sister to her. I believed all of that.  I really felt it too. She is so loving and thoughtful to have included me in so many family events. She was so thoughtful of my parents when they were going through things and she just showed so much love.  It all ended in a span of about 15 minutes.  I just don't get it.   We had started a book club together and since it was made up of her friends, I pulled out of it. They met last night and I see pictures on Facebook of them all taking a group picture together. It hurts to be left out completely. Life really does go on so easily without me being a part of it. I know I am in a pity party right now. I need to pull myself out of it but I am drowning in it for a bit.

My original book club that I have been a member of for 3 years met Friday night at my house. This is such a wonderful group of woman. I just love each and every one of them so much.  I ended up bringing up my problem with this friend that night and just starting bawling and couldn't stop. I felt like I ruined a wonderful evening but it was just welling up inside of me. I hate that I let it interfere with what brings me joy. This group of women always bring me joy. We have found such a level of comfortableness with each other and we all truly care about each other. If any of these woman needed me, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. I don't know that I ever really know how to convey it to them though. I know they would be there for me too but I don't want to be a burden or say something wrong. I guess seeing how quickly friendships can end has me on edge. That isn't fair to them though because I know they aren't fickle. I think they are deep, beautiful women with hearts of gold. I just keep people at arms length to protect myself and then sit at home alone and feeling lonely. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and be more free spirited. I need to loosen up and take chances in life. I want closer friends. I want so much that I don't have. I'm greedy. I need to count all the blessings that I have and learn to be content with what I have.

Life continually evolves...

Time for more introspection or just clearing my mind I guess. I find that I dwell too much on what is not going the right way in my life rather than on my blessings that I do have.  I got to thinking today that things aren't so bad right now.  I have been trudging along and realized that things are ok. Sure, I have some unhappiness that always sits in the back of my mind but I have been blessed with some wonderful friends who have made me focus on love and laughter rather than loneliness and despair.
I was never very good at making friends. I still don't think I'm too great at fostering friendships. I led a very sheltered life with overprotective parents who didn't allow me out of their sight very much. I didn't go to friends houses much, nor had them over. I can only remember spending the night at a friends house once as a little girl. I understand why my parents were protective like they were but I feel that it stunted my emotional growth in a way. I don't blame them though because I know their heart was in the right place.   As an adult, I continued to flounder in the friendship area. I always found it easier to talk to people who are older than me and it's easier for me to talk to women than it is for men. Needless to say, I didn't date much. When I met my ex-husband, I didn't have very many friends and the ones that I did, I put on the back burner. Yes, I was one of those girls who dropped friends to focus on my man. I didn't realize at the time how important girlfriends are in a person's life.
After the divorce, I was really alone. I stayed that way for several years and finally decided that I was the maker of my own destiny, so to speak, and only I could change my future.  Thanks to Facebook, I got reacquainted with some old friends and made new friends as well. As I began to socialize a little more, I became more comfortable with meeting new people.  Over the last 3 years, I have now immersed myself in book clubs, bible study and am not as fearful to talk to new people. I guess my self esteem has grown. It's not great, but it is better.  I have days where I feel empowered and loved now and that is the greatest feeling in the world. I love this feeling and want to experience more of it as time goes on.  I have a job which makes me feel beaten down but I want to try to remember that it is only one part of my life and not all of my life. I have spent too much time concentrating on that since I didn't feel like I had much else going on for me. I want that to change and it is little by little. I even have a new wonderful friend who is so loving and supportive of me. I feel like I can be myself around her and can talk to her about anything. She has been such a positive aspect in my life and as my friendship with her continues to grow and blossom, so does my confidence and happiness.
I ran into my ex-husband this morning at the farmers market. I was visiting with a vendor and laughing at something and I looked up to see my ex standing there with his girlfriend. He saw me and whispered something to her and I'm pretty sure he knows I saw him too. I instantly thought how grateful I was that I had done my hair and makeup and dressed nicely this morning. I wanted him to see me happy and put together. I felt like the air was kicked out of me because when I see him, I am reminded of the pain and heartache that I went through but I never want to show that to him again. I finished my transaction and just turned and walked away. Nothing good would come of speaking to him and it would just make us both terribly uncomfortable.  I just am reminded that I never want to go through that kind of pain and turmoil again. I am also reminded that I am a stronger woman than I was 9 years ago when he walked away. I like that I am stronger.  I like that I have more confidence now. 

Melancholy

I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I have been sort of seeing a man for the past year but it has really been more of a pen pal/texting situation. He was living with a woman and he told me it was more of a roommate situation than anything else. He works out on oil rigs and is gone alot and needed someone to take care of his dog. I have put up with his promises for over a year that he was going to be moving and we could start a relationship. We argue because I call him out on his lies and we stop talking for a while and then reconnect again. We lost touch for 5 months until his mother was dying and he called upon me. I visited him and old feelings resurfaced and then the lies and distance started right back up. I finally had enough and decided to contact his "roommate". I am so naive. This wasn't a roommate situation, this was a live in girlfriend whom he was telling that he loved. This woman and I ended up having a really good talk and may even become friends at some point. She decided to end things with him and let him go and we have been consoling each other. He is bad news for me and the more I talked with her, the more lies I found out he had been telling me. I finally told him I was through and shared some choice words with him and it's all over. The problem is my feeling like I am just a stupid, naive girl.  I was so lonely and was hoping that someone had finally taken an interest in me that I was willing to believe and put up with so much crap. I don't love him and never did. I was just settling just as I did in my marriage.
I am on a couple of online dating websites and started talking to a man last night. We seemed to be really hitting it off and exchanged numbers. We texted today and he said I was sweet and he wanted to meet me.  In the course of our conversation, he mentioned he takes lithium. I asked why he takes this and he said he is schizophrenic. I told him this is a scary disease to me and I didn't think I would be able to handle that. After a little while, he texts back and said he was just f***ing with me. I asked why he would do that since I don't know him yet and don't know when he is joking. He said he was testing my reaction to adversity and I threw in the towel and wished me luck.
Why would someone joke about something like this? It is so disappointing to me. I told him he was just cruel.  Why are men like this? This man is in his 40's, it's not like we are teenagers anymore.
I guess it's time for me to stop looking. This means I need to take my profile down off of these sites and really stop looking. I've been trying this online thing for about 3 years and most of these men seem to have some major issues. I just need to step away and really find myself. If I don't, I will keep falling into these same patterns. I just don't know how to find myself.

Resolutions...I think not.

I always try to avoid resolutions each new year to avoid disappointment later on. In the back of my mind I will sometimes toss around a few things but never speak them verbally because I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone else either. Since I have been reflecting so much over the last couple of weeks, I have decided that I need to set some kind of realistic goals for myself or I'm not working towards anything. I find it kind of depressing that I stopped working towards anything over the last few years. Perhaps this is why I fight depression so much. With nothing to work towards, I come home from work and lay on the couch until time to go to bed and start the next day over all over again in the same way. Pretty pathetic.  So I've been thinking about what I haven't been happy with about myself and decided I could at least make an effort to make some changes.

My house: I use to keep a great house, but lately, I haven't made much time for cleaning since I've been so busy laying on the couch. I hate the cringe feeling that I get if someone should happen to ring my doorbell. I freeze and debate on whether to pretend I am not at home or hope that it's someone that I wouldn't have to invite in. I don't like living like that. It's not like my house is that bad but it's not up to my standards that I am comfortable with. I want to start living in a way that I could invite someone in and be comfortable. Of course, I want it perfect but I do have dogs who shed A LOT and slobber so that's never going to happen. I will settle for dog hair and drool before I'll ever get rid of my pups.

My attitude: I have realized how judgemental I have become. I think a big part of this comes from my job. I have become so cynical over the years and find that I expect the worst in people. I listen to people tell stories and wonder how much of it is BS. This is terrible.  I know that I want people to give me the benefit of the doubt so why am I not doing that for others.  I know I can't fix this overnight but I certainly can try to stop and think and be more compassionate and empathetic if I try.

My finances: I love to spend money. Seriously, I just always find something that I have to have at that moment. This is why my house if full of stuff that I am looking to get rid of. I am tired of being broke. I hate that my credit cards are maxed out which, in turn, means I can't do the nice things that I want to do to my house. I am going to try to be more conscientious about what I am spending money on while out and about. I really want to make some headway on my debt so I can be more comfortable each month.

My spiritual life:  Last but certainly not least, I need to find my way back to God. It's not like I had anything against Him but there has been too much distance.  On my part, not God's. I haven't been to church in several months and I have found myself not praying nearly enough. It's not that I don't like church, but it is hard to get up off that darn couch on Sunday mornings, plus, I can be very introverted sometimes when I go places alone. I know, this sounds weird to people that know me.  I really like the pastors at the church that I attend when I go, but I am so lost there. I go in, listen, and go home without ever speaking to anyone. It can be an empty feeling sometime.  I have started a devotional book that has a short daily devotion that I am enjoying. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It is written as though it's Jesus talking to me. I think it's going to be good for me.

Well, I think that is enough to work on for one year. They are not resolutions but rather, life changes. I hear people talk about what their word for the year is and I have always struggled with coming up with a word. I didn't struggle this year. My word is RENEW. It's time to renew my spirit.

Where have I been for more than a year

It has certainly been a long time since I have poured my heart out in this avenue. I have had a couple of people ask when I would write again and I guess I just felt that I didn't have anything worth writing about. Perhaps I still don't, but I am here anyway. It always seems like when I am driving or taking a shower, I think of something that I should write down and then I never get to it and then I forget what I was thinking about.  It is the last day of the year and I guess I am being reflective with the holidays ending and a new year beginning.

I turned 38 this year and as the year ends, I keep thinking how I am not satisfied with the direction of my life. I struggle with being grateful for the blessings that I have and I am not sure why. I find myself looking at others and dreaming how different my life could be but then I have to quickly remind myself of a line from a book I read that loosely says, "I am not equipped to handle the good and the bad of their journey".  I do know that this is true and I know I am on my own journey but I feel like I am on a blind journey without any direction. I guess there is direction, but I am too stubborn and controlling to see and follow it.

Several people ask me if I am dating anyone. The answer to that is NO. It's not that I wouldn't like to be dating someone, but I just can't meet a nice, decent man who will respect me.  I thought perhaps I had met a nice man this year because we have known each other for a long time and became reaquainted last year at this time. We spent quite a bit of time talking but he turned out to be a womanizing flake. He struggles so much with relationships and I realized that I was putting way more into it than he was so I finally had to cut that off. I know I push too hard when I am interested in someone, but they need to put in at least a little effort.  I am still on these awful online dating sites but I haven't found anyone on there that is worth giving the time of day.

Another thing I am stuggling with this year is my weight. I went through the weight loss surgery and have gained so much of it back. I am an emotional eater and I simply love food so that is a deadly combination. Add to the fact that I am dissatified with certain aspects of my life, and you can guess what I am doing...eating!  I have dreams of becoming a runner, being fit and feeling so full of energy but quite frankly, I hate exercise.

I have also been trying to advance in my job for quite a while now because it has always felt like it is what I should be aiming for in my career. I've been with my job for almost 15 years and it seems like it should be the natural progression for me to promote and make more money. I have been deflated many times when I didn't get a position that I applied for but I have also been grateful later on when I realized it wasn't the right job for me. God has been watching out for me.   I've been thinking a lot of what it is that I really want to do. I don't really know. I think the only reason I have been applying for these difference positions is for the money and that is not always the right reason.  I just want to be satisifed with my job.  I think that since I don't have much else going on in my life except for work, I am throwing myself into my job and that certainly isn't making me happy.   I really want to find happiness and fulfillment elsewhere and let work just be work that I walk away from each day at 4:30. I really just want work to serve the purpose of paying my bills and affording a few luxuries in life. I don't want it to be the "be all, end all" of my life.

I read back over this and realize how whiny it sounds. I am incredibly blessed in so many ways. I do have a good job, a house, a new car, pets, wonderful parents and several good friends. I volunteer once a month with dog rescue and it makes me feel good to see animals go to a good home.  I am in a wonderful book clubwith a great group of women that I really enjoy and I get to go away to a scrapbook retreat with friends a couple of times a year.  I just want to start feeling like I am doing enough and I am "enough". I guess that is the biggest problem is that I don't feel like I am good enough or worthy enough for all the happiness that I desire.  I guess it's time to get back out those self help books. :)

Another horrible date!

Last Wednesday, I got a text from Bachelor #1 who I went out with last May or June. We had met twice and I didn't care a lot for him but he was my first date in 6 years so I blamed it on me because I was so "green".  We met for a nice dinner and we caught up and the conversation was going ok. He was a little cocky in my opinion but I tried to cut him some slack.  After dinner, we went back to my house to visit for a while.  He sat and watched tv for quite a while and then I finally asked him to turn it off so he could pay attention to me. Well, without going into too many details, we were enjoying each other's company, and his cell phone kept going off with text messages. He checked it each time. I finally asked who it was and he said it was a buddy of his asking him to meet for a beer. He said he told him he was on a hot date. I asked why his "buddy" kept texting him if he knew this and he said he wanted to know when he would be done. I was irritated because it's extremely rude to answer texts in the middle of a date but I kept my mouth shut for a little while.  Then this guy commented how thin my hair was when he touched my head. I just froze and felt like crying. He couldn't understand why I was upset and I told him how rude it was to comment on something about a woman that is not appealing.  He sat there for a minute while I continued to stew, he let out a big burp, and I told him I thought he might have more fun if he just went ahead and met his friend for that beer.  He then asked if it would be ok for him to take a crap. Yes, you read that correctly, he wanted to take a crap in my bathroom before leaving.  I told him no and said it was time for him to leave. He asked if there would be a second date! I said no and walked him to the door.  I told him he lacked social skills and he said he had never been told that before.  He texted me the next day and said he was sorry if he had offended me and I wouldn't hear from him again. I couldn't resist but to reply and tell him that I still couldn't believe the downward spiral of the evening and told him he was rude, cocky, and uncouth and he also would never hear from me again either.   How is it even possible that I have had so many awful dates?!?!?